disposable people

the other night while babysitting I noticed a book called 'Disposable People' on the shelf and picked it up... and withing about an hour had read half the book... I was just enthralled...
it's a book about slavery in the modern world.
and I just can't stop thinking about it.

I can't stop thinking about a lot of things lately actually...
I feel like God is speaking to me about the bigger picture and what really matters.

Since moving to Grenada I've had to "downsize" quite a bit and give up a few luxuries I was used to.... hundreds of pairs of shoes to chose from, a Wal-mart down the street with everything you can imagine in stock, going out to eat, a job, a car....
things I think matter and actually make me feel a bit deprived when I don't have them...

and when I read about slavery or hunger or disease or any other injustice in this world... I am disgusted with myself.  am I honestly upset over not having shoes that match perfectly or that IGA was once again out of milk or eggs....... really?
why do I let a late bus or botched plans ruin my entire day??
I am free to do as I please and there is food in my fridge (and I have a fridge) and Lee and I are in good health.

In 1 year we will be finished in Grenada and will be back in the United States.  but I don't know how I am supposed to go back to normal life... but the fact of the matter is in one year we will POOR poor poor. poorer than we thought possible. in over our heads in debt, with more debt still accruing. and I have to have a job.  we have to eat, pay rent, and finish medical school. but what that job is going to be I don't know.
I majored in interior decorating for Pete's sake.  don't get me wrong, there is nothing I love more than a well designed room and beautiful pillows and art and wallpaper and chairs.  I love chairs.
but I don't know how to fit that into making the world a better place.
I convinced myself that making people's homes beautiful and inviting would be great for the family dynamic because people would want to spend time there and blah blah blah
but what about the family that doesn't have a home or a roof or food.

and then I tell myself oh you could work with habitat for humanity or "extreme home makeover"

but I honestly don't feel like that is where my calling is.
I don't know what my calling is yet.
18 [college] is too young to decide what career you want to have isn't it?  actually at 18 I wanted to be a news reporter... the media! ha!

My husband is going to be a doctor.  Doctors save lives! how would matching someone's rug and curtains perfectly compare to that?

ay yi yi
I am rambling.  just trying to work through this.  and this is my blog. I do what I want.